you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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