i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
