Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
