I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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