I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
