Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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