my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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