you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just pee around me
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
