I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
