I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
did you just send me my own nude
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize