I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Randomize
