I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
