does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There's always time for handjobs
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
