you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
