we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
