I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
