So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
