theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
