im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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