I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize