foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
