Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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