Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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