If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
