So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
