life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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