I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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