He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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