I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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