Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
