Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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