I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
