I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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