You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
