remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize