ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
