made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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