Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
