the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
