Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
