I met the friendliest cop last night
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
