but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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