Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
