Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
