I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
