Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Randomize
