Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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