trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
