I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
