You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize