just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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