Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
