I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
