I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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