Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
