i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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