he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
