im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
