my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize