a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
