found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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