I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
