M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
