I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
