I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
