And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
