so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
