is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
