is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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